About the Author

Hi. My name is Michelle Grewe.

I’m a Medium, but I’m Not Really a Psychic

If you’re skeptical about my psychicness, so am I. First and foremost, I’m not psychic. Psychics use feelings. I don’t. I don’t “feel” anything. If you’re house is haunted, I won’t feel it like a psychic.

My non-psychic abilities are things like:

  • Heightened Senses (I hear what you hear on EVP’s when the decibels are upped)
  • Algorithms (my brain is designed like Amazon’s Products You Might be Interested In; I find patterns and predict based on probability. I appear psychic when I do this)
  • Scientific Method (The spirits lie. I base most of my knowledge on observations and experiments).
  • Telepathy (it’s more scientific than psychic).

My Story

In 2009, I moved into a haunted apartment. In December of 2012, I started feeling invisible spirits touching me. By May of 2013, I could hear them from the ceiling. I recorded some EVP’s, and other people could hear them too. Around August of 2013, I started to develop telepathic abilities, something I think a demon did to me, but it's something that's also very natural if we used that part of our mind. The voices weren’t just in the ceiling anymore, but also in my head. By October of 2013, I went crazy and spent a couple weeks in the hospital in fear I was going to be possessed. I discovered at that time that it was impossible to possess me as God had a stopping point in the attachment process. On Valentine’s Day in 2014, some spirits tried to possess me, and and now they are stuck. LOL. They got stuck. In my head. Just when they thought hell was bad, they find my brain.

Soon after that, I had a dream where an angel carried me to heaven, over a city, into a cloud the color of a sunset, into a gigantic Greek like structure that could fit half of earth easily, and laid me on a stone table. Since this dream, I’ve been improving with the mental health and coping with hell while trying to live my life.
What I think Happened

I was raped in the military back in 2005. Since, I’ve developed PTSD from it. After having kids, I stopped sleeping for 7 years. When I say I stopped sleeping, I mean most nights, I averaged 2 hours of sleep in a 24 hour period. Many times, I’d go 3 to 5 days without ANY sleep, and I ran myself balls to the wall full throttle telling myself the lie they tell in the military, that the body is capable of anything and it's the mind that sets limits, so mind over matter. At times I was anemic. I couldn’t gain weight if my life depended on it. I threw up a lot from the migraines. I had no health insurance in that time.

I had 3 kids back to back, and nobody helped. My husband was worse than a kid; in fact, he was a total asshole most women would have left (we've outgrown this since). My mother always had my sister’s kids. My sister was busy dumping her kids on my mother. My best friends backed up off of me. My sister and best friend, instead, sent their kids over to me for weeks at a time. For about 7 years, the only time they called me was to send a kid over, and when I called them, it was nothing but criticism.

Nobody noticed my change in look. Nobody noticed the skin sinking behind my bones turning pale. I looked like a living zombie.

My theory as to what happened...

When a person is near death, they start seeing and hearing things. It’s a phenomenon that’s so frequent, we don’t need studies for it. Most nurses will tell you they know this as fact.

I’m almost positive my lifestyle almost killed me. I honestly think at some point back then, I was near death enough to start sensing the spirits, and now I’m stuck with it.

Some psychic's theory...

I met a psychic, and he doesn't think I was near death; however, he said really extenuating circumstances can make a person develop psychic skills.

Either way, I'm positive that lifestyle did it to me, and I frequently blame the ones who abandoned me for it because it was their abandonment that did me in.

My apartment is haunted

My apartment is haunted. There’s a spiritual portal in my bedroom, and I hear the spirits the most from my bedroom. I also pick up sounds from the other dimensions in my bedroom that I can’t hear elsewhere, including heaven and hell.

Before I started hearing spirits, we had many encounters. My mom once felt the weight of someone sitting down on the sofa next to her. Kids toys often lit up on their own, and at one point, my husband asked it to hit the red button, and the red button lit up, and then it was silent until my husband asked it to hit the blue button, and the blue button then lit up. They played that game for about 10 minutes. Two of my daughters at the age of 2 played with an imaginary boy, and my friend's kid witnessed the older one at some point getting out of bed in the middle of the night and having a conversation he couldn't understand with the wall. The ceiling is always cracking, and neighbors have had experiences too (we are in an apartment complex), including experiences of their kids playing with an imaginary friend. On top of it, most of the weaker people become very mean after living here for a month. 

When I started hearing spirits, I had mainly 2 beings in my apartment. One was a demon, and the other a ghost. I became friends with both of them. I helped the ghost move on by giving him the Jesus Prayer of the Desert Monks. He is no longer with us, though I have an EVP of him saying, "Get away from me, you're evil" to my demon. The demon is now attached to me in a way nobody but heavenly beings can see him. He claims he is starting to look human again as he continues to let God's light into his being through me. He has an interesting story which makes him different than most demons. On earth, he was in an arranged marriage. He then fell in love with someone else in a time where you don't divorce. So, he killed his family so that he could be with true love. She realized he murdered and wanted nothing to do with him after that. He either committed suicide or was hung for his crime, but I do know he was hung as he has a scar on his neck, and off to hell he went. Because he murdered, he had more power in hell than most humans. Eventually, he worked his way to haunt the earth looking for souls to take when he found me. He wants love. He has always wanted love. All of his evil was based on his desire for love. So when he met me, it wasn't hard to get him to understand that what he truly seeks is the love of God. Unlike most demons you're going to encounter on earth, he wants to be good. He just didn't know how.

I’m probably not crazy

Because other people can hear the voices too if I record them and up the decibels, I know I’m not crazy. I feel crazy a lot, and many times I question if these spirits are real or imaginary friends. Many of them I can see myself fabricating for psychological reasons, especially the voices of doubt and the fatherly figures, but other people hear them too.

Another situation was I met a guy at a bar who was diagnosed schizophrenia. He told me he married a demon beast. I said, "Let me guess, you had to say you would keep her, and she had to say she would keep you, three times." His eyes lit up, "How did you know?" Because I've witnessed the ceremony several times.

So not only do I have confirmation that the voices I hear are audible to others if made louder, but also, the things I'm hearing are being experienced by others.

I still treat it like it’s a mental health thing

Mental health plays a role. Most people in the field of psychology do not think I have schizophrenia. I just don’t have that thing about me schizophrenics have. I don’t have all the symptoms. And on top of it, I developed this in my 30’s. Most (almost all) schizophrenics are diagnosed much younger (kind of like how most psychics are born with their gifts and have it most of their lives), but I still treat this phenomenon like it’s a mental health thing. I take meds and regularly see a doctor.

I’m glad I do the mental health thing too because I have Xanax now for when the experience is too much for me to handle. I have antipsychotics that keeps me from talking to them too much (the more I talk to them, the louder and more intrusive they get, and the more you feel them... in fact, they need you to talk to them constantly to possess you). And I have pills that help me sleep (as they are always bothering me 24/7). I also have pills that give me energy through the day, which is helpful between narcolepsy and the negative energies sucking my energy. My doctor does not confirm nor deny the reality of the “voices,” so we treat it as an experience, not a diagnosis. Whether it's real or not, it's real to me.

I’m only mentioning this for those who are battling a similar thing. I’ve noticed a rise in people dealing with this in secret. I want them to understand how important it is to treat it as both a spiritual and mental health thing. Even if you are not crazy, demons will make you crazy.

I also mention this for those who think I might be crazy. Well, I am treating it nevertheless, and we have explored the world of medication to find the best cocktail, and I still hear the damned voices and feel the touches.

Don’t tell me to go to hell because I’ve already been there and done that.

On top of it, I’ve been getting a lot of nightmares and dreams in hell. When I do, I am not me. I’m a demon. I’ve also dreamt I’m in other dimensions possessing a person, and in retrospect, I think the demon I am was possessing a person and I was that demon again. It took a year to figure out, but I’m not me at all. This person is a person that has another life outside of mine. I’m more than one, like I flip flop between different spirits as I drift from one to the other in some dreams. From this, I figured a lot of stuff out about hell and Lucifer’s Heaven.

My theory is that each demon I am has made an attempt to possess me forming an attachment we can't break. Because I'm the more powerful entity in our combo, I have possessed them, by accident. Because I don't know what I'm doing, I'm only seeing the natural consequences through my dreams. I have a feeling if I worked on meditation and other spiritual things that I could be them anytime I wanted.

I hate it.

I hate this has happened to me. Most people see these abilities as a gift, but to me, it’s a curse. It makes living almost unbearable some days. I’m not suicidal, but I struggle with life.

It’s also a constant battle. I have a constant voice around me reassuring all the negative things I think about myself. The only way to fight back is positive thinking, so I have to consciously force myself to be optimistic.

Some of the things they do trigger rape flashbacks. Taking a soul is a very sexual thing for demons because they don't have the power to do it any other way. Channeling is also sexual. We have spiritual portals to our being through our mouth and somewhere in between our legs (for women, around the vaginal g-spot, and for men, around their prostate). It's not really sex to them, but it sure feels that way sometimes for us. When going around the mouth, it feels like something is kissing you, but actually they are probably trying to put poop-smelling poison in your mouth to kill you. Either way, the times I feel it is definitely uncomfortable. It feels like that moment when your husband grabs your boobs like it's endearing while you're trying to do the dishes mixed with getting a Pap Smear by a female OBGYN with extra long fingernails, often right in front of your grandparents and kids (as this crap can happen anywhere like talking to your kid's teacher), mixed with getting raped. And people call it a gift?

My Coping Mechanisms

While I don’t see a therapist anymore because I struggle remembering appointments and keeping track of time (I still see a prescribing psychiatrist), I’ve been researching and incorporating a lot of CBT in my life (Cognitive Behavioral Therapy). I’m a huge fan of the concept, and it has done wonders for me. Mindfulness is also something I’m finding very helpful. If you are unfamiliar with those terms, I strongly suggest googling it and at least check the images that show up.

I also do a lot of prayer. I know the demons are real. I know hell is real. I know heaven is real. I know God is real. I’ve seen all the famous characters at some point. I know that the Christian methods work, not like they do in horror movies, but they do work in the long term. If it weren’t for God, I’d be dead from suicide or locked up somewhere licking walls.

Studies are showing the importance of good, supportive friends and family. I don’t have that. My friends and family are great people, but I’m usually the strong one. I’m usually the one who bails everyone else out of trouble. Naturally, they don’t see me as someone who needs help even though I am. I’m struggling to do this alone, and I think that happens to a lot of people in this situation because it scares people. But the little my family and friends do help me out greatly. One friend stops by every time she needs money, and I’m grateful for her. She’s a living person to talk to. My mother tunes me out the moment I speak, but her company is sometimes all I need. Feeling her body’s aura near mine is so therapeutic.

Most of my supportive friends are not in this realm. I have God who is truly the most supportive person in my life. Then I have befriended some demons and beings from benevolent realms (gods and angels), and they are supportive of everything I do, from the spirits to the books to the blog to the Facebook posts. Unfortunately, the sense of humor that develops after trillions of years of existence is very different than all of yours, so testing what’s funny on them hasn’t helped me much.
I want to use this curse for good, but I want to also focus on the positive

Some things I’ve learned that’s important for people to know:


God and Jesus Christ do exist. They believe in all the things the Bible says Christ preached. Whether it happened like the Bible says or not is irrelevant.

Even if you don’t want to believe in God, the things Christ preached gives your spirit power.

Spirituality, paranormal, and mental health go hand in hand.

Science is starting to show evidence of the paranormal and New Age concepts

We weren’t intended to know this stuff

Fallen angels think they are superior to humans

Demons who talk about heaven are not talking about God’s Kingdom. Lucifer created a heaven to save people from hell, and he fronts it as the heaven in the Bible

A lot of mythical stories are true. Harry Potter perfectly describes some other realms, which is probably why the author is hesitant to explain her inspirations. There really is an Order of the Phoenix: benevolent angels who use their power to help humans who show goodness in hell. Cthulhu (from Lovecraft’s stories) really does exist, and he reminds me of a pirate.

Do not fear an apocalypse. Lucifer isn’t coming here anytime soon. He’s handling other worlds. When he does, he will actually be saving us from our own ignorance. He won’t be lying about it outside of claiming his heaven is the real heaven. But the fact is, we are destroying our world, and Lucifer will be the one to save us from it.

Do not fear the demons. I use that term to mean any entity from hell. Some self-proclaimed experts have labeled things differently, and telling you the difference between a demon and a word you’ve never heard of doesn’t make them experts. Most demons haunting the earth have very little power as most are human. Some of the more powerful ones (the ones with the red light on their foreheads) are not that powerful in hell. Fallen angels are very powerful, but they are few and far between in this realm, and if you get one, you’ll need God. The Beast is actually a brotherhood of many beasts, and many do roam this realm, but they are naturally attracted to evil on a very instinctive level. They do not have knowledge of good and evil. They just are. And they should be feared. No one in hell messes with them, and I honestly think they are the most powerful entity in hell (though some fallen angels will disagree, but they won’t mess with The Beast out of fear). The beast’s master is also probably the oldest entity in hell, and he is very familiar with ancient occult that predates even the angels, but that last part is just my theory. He seemingly answers to Satan, who is not Lucifer but at odds against Lucifer for the power the souls provide. The beast is reason enough to keep one acting good enough to not attract him.

I honestly feel stupid talking about this

I do. My personality has always been skeptical. Like Renee Descartes said, “To doubt is to think. To think is to be. I think; therefore, I am.” I’m always doubting the legitimacy of my experiences, and because I am not really crazy, I’m well aware that I can sound crazy to everyone else if I’m not careful. Here I sound crazy.

My mom told me that despite all the crazy things I’m saying, she has never heard me speak so wisely up until this. In many ways, I lost all credibility in my world and I’m desperately seeking the same kind of respect I had from my loved ones back when I joined the military. But in many ways, I’ve gained some when I talk about God (not so much demons).

But I know people are curious about these things. I’ve already done a little market research, and secrets of hell is a topic some people want to read about. That’s probably why I’m starting to be more open about something I like to keep a secret.

CONVERSATION

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